I had a nightmare unlike any I’ve ever experienced recently. There were no monsters. There was no threat of death or bodily harm. There was no clear and present danger of any kind. The source of my terror was a political dialogue between myself and a family member.
In my nightmare, my family member made several comments about an issue of the day. It was clear that they assumed I shared their perspective; I did not. In fact, I found what they had said to be unloving and offensive. I knew, however, that were I to engage them on this particular topic it would not go well. Alas, I could not keep quiet and attempted to gently present an alternative perspective. The conversation quickly turned cantankerous and, in my dream, our relationship was fractured. I woke up filled with anxiety, fear, and frustration.
Engaging in open and honest dialogue has become increasingly dangerous. We seem to have lost the ability to participate in discourse with civility.
What made this nightmare so horrifying is how closely it reflects the lived reality of so many of these days. Engaging in open and honest dialogue has become increasingly dangerous. We seem to have lost the ability to participate in discourse with civility. We no longer draw lines in the sand. Instead, we build walls of concrete. Anything you say can and likely will be used against you, not only in a given conversation, but continually in the court of public opinion. This has caused many to disengage with the broader discourse and instead to entrench themselves, almost exclusively, with those who think exactly like them and treat dialogue as a battle field.
A friend recently lamented this reality in a social media post. In their post, they asked “why dialogue has become so difficult” and why it is so hard to “just have a conversation” with those with whom we don’t agree? In the following sentences of their post, I believe my friend provides the answers to their own question. They go on to insult the very people they hope will engage them in conversation. They use disparaging terms to describe people like them. The dissonance within their post was disturbing and disheartening. It both named the problem and reveals why it exists.
Agreeing to disagree is a skill we need to rediscover and develop in our world today. But it will only be possible and effective if we can learn to treat all participants with respect, grace, and a willingness to allow them to hold their opinions, as divergent from ours as they may be, with dignity.
Invitations to dialogue that include insults will undermine our efforts. Conversations seasoned with backhanded compliments and passive aggressive insinuations will almost always turn cantankerous. The polarization between diverse perspectives will continue to persist so long as we continue to dismiss and demean those with whom we don’t agree. Agreeing to disagree is a skill we need to rediscover and develop in our world today. But it will only be possible and effective if we can learn to treat all participants with respect, grace, and a willingness to allow them to hold their opinions, as divergent from ours as they may be, with dignity.
If civility is ever to return to our discourse, if dialogue is ever to get less difficult, we must remove the insolence and indifference from the invitation to interact. We need to eliminate the curses from our conversation about and with others. James 3:9-12 says it best. It reads, “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.” We need to let the fresh, living waters of grace, compassion, and understanding flow. We need to resist the temptation to poison the waters with the salt of self-interest, self-service, and self-righteousness. Only then will we awake from the nightmare of conflict and contention that plagues these days and see the dawning of a new era of restored congeniality, kindness, and connection.
