My wife, Robyn, and I have been married for 17 years. We are living the quintessential “American Dream” with two kids and a dog. It was a dream that seemed very unlikely when we first met on the first day of our freshman year of college. It was NOT love at first sight. As a matter of fact, our first impressions of one another were less than favorable.
It was NOT love at first sight. As a matter of fact, our first impressions of one another were less than favorable.
I am not a morning person. Before 8am I struggle to be Christian! Our first ever meeting was in our first ever college class, which some brilliant mind in administration decided should take place at 7am on a Saturday morning. I was less than thrilled when I arrived that morning, and it was clear that the vast majority of my classmates were feeling the same way. I decided I needed to make lemonade out of the lemons before me. I began to unleash all of the snark and sarcasm I was feeling. My classmates joined me in my efforts and our table was soon roaring with laughter. There was one young lady, however, who sat quietly to the side. She was well-dressed, had every hair perfectly in place, and sat with the most exceptional posture I had ever seen. It appeared as if she believed herself to be too good to join the crowd. In my mind, I judged her to be a judgmental, upper-class snob. I could tell we weren’t going to get along.
As time passed, this young lady and I continued to run into one another. It turned out, we had several classes together. She was a music major and played flute in one of the college groups. I was a music minor and sang tenor in an affiliated group. That spring we ended up on a tour bus together for hours on end as we performed in locations from Indiana to Virginia to Florida and back again. There are few things that will force presence like sharing a cramped seat on a bus for hours on end. As we talked over the course of those long drives that week, I discovered that this young lady was much more than I had judged. I began to move beyond the surface and learned who she truly was. Through being present with her, I became familiar with her. A little over a year later, we were married.
Familiarity is a natural biproduct of presence. When we are in close proximity with another person for extended periods of time, and we are truly engaged, our understanding of who they are and what they are all about will increase. When proximity and engagement both take place, familiarity will develop.
When proximity and engagement both take place, familiarity will develop.
Familiarity serves three important roles in the development of intergenerational relationships…
- Familiarity makes things common. It has been said that “familiarity breeds contempt.” The idea behind this phrase is that the more we know and understand about a person or a thing, the less we appreciate it. While there is certainly some truth to this statement, I think it misses the truth. The more we know about someone the more aware we will become of their strengths, but also their weaknesses. The glossy sheen of potential is slowly chipped away and we find ourselves face to face with the naked truth. We begin to see the other as they truly are; and in turn, they begin to see us as we truly are. Familiarity chips away the façade we hide behind and forces us to reveal that which is real. In the end, though, isn’t that what the heart wants most? Don’t we all want to be known and loved for who we are? One of the great values of intergenerational ministry, and ministry in general, is it allows us to move beyond assumptions and well-planned acts to discover the miracle of God’s image in the face and life of another. We are able to find what we have in common through the common everyday realities of who we are.
- Familiarity brings comfort. We are all familiar with the concept of comfort zones. We each have people, places, and practices that are part of our daily routines. As we develop familiarity with others, they begin to make their way into our comfort zone. We begin to let down our guard and become more and more willing to open ourselves up and reveal who we are. It is rather ironic that the very common, everyday ordinary status that causes us to take others for granted is crucial to our ability and willingness to relax and be ourselves. In order for intergenerational relationships to move beyond a surface level, participants must develop deepening levels of familiarity with one another in order that we might know others and allow them know us.
- Familiarity breeds compassion. The more time we spend with others, the more opportunities we have to be frustrated or hurt by them. This is true. But it is also true that the more time we spend with others, the more opportunities we have to discover what we love about them. It is through shared space and experiences (presence) that we are able to discover shared interests, abilities, and objectives (familiarity). This allows us to come to a point of unity where we can move forward in grace and love, together. We need to encourage our people to step out in courage to make intergenerational investments in others. If we are to grow in unity and love, we must first be willing to get to know one another.
Over the course of several years, I organized multiple events involving youth and senior adults at First Baptist Church of St Albans. At first, we had to fight a lot of negative perceptions. Youth and senior adults alike, were very guarded and believed the other generation had negative perceptions of them. It wasn’t that the youth disliked the seniors or the seniors disliked the youth. Rather, the youth thought the senior adults disliked them and the senior adults thought the youth disliked them. The first gathering was the most difficult. You could feel the tension as groups separated to their own peer groups. A few brave souls crossed the generational gap and engaged the others in conversation (the senior adults were champions of the cause). As time was spent together, something strange began to happen. Youth and senior adults became familiar with one another. They began to know each other by name. They began to discover shared interests. They began to discover talents and abilities. Before long, they began seeking each other out when the church gathered for worship. In the end, those senior adults were the greatest advocates for youth involvement and support in our local church and the youth actively pursued senior adult involvement in their lives. Familiarity, it turns out, is essential to viable and valuable relationships.
