One of my favorite bands as a teenager was Caedmon’s Call. If I were to play one of their albums right now, I could probably sing every word to every song, but few of them stick with me in the in-between times. There is, however, a line in the song Center Aisle that comes to mind early and often. The song is about a young woman who took her own life. The vocalist hauntingly sings these words…
There aren’t words to say
Words aren’t remembered
But presence is
The song’s composer, Derek Webb, was asked to play a song at the funeral. He notes that as he sat in that room full of people, he began to wonder “if whatever had driven her to that point could have been worked out in that quiet room with that group of people.” He recognizes that this question leads to more questions, which lead to more questions. We have to be careful not to miss the point in the midst of the questions. Being present for that young woman in that moment was no longer of value. The opportunity had passed with her.
Life is hard. This is true for people of all ages for all of time. At each stage of life, we encounter new and diverse difficulties to wrestle with. It is extremely helpful to have godly, mature men and women who are willing to jump into the mess of life with us to help us work through it all. Andrew Root, paraphrasing the German of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, refers to these relationships as “place-sharing.” He writes, “Place-sharing happens when one places himself or herself fully in the reality of the other, refusing to turn away even from its horror.”2 I personally benefited from several men and women who stepped into the mess of life with me. I can’t tell you one lesson any of them taught me through the years. I can’t point to any words of wisdom that changed the course of my life. I can, however, point to multiple instances where they joined me in the mess of my life or invited me to join them in theirs.
It is extremely helpful to have godly, mature men and women who are willing to jump into the mess of life with us to help us work through it all.
Middle school was an incredibly difficult and tumultuous time in my life. Not only was I dealing with the realities that accompany the onset of adolescence, my home life was an absolute mess. Due to a series of terrifying and traumatic events, my mother, sister, brother and I moved out of our house. Very few people knew where we were staying at the time and we maintained a very low profile in the community. I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness, rage, and fear. I also felt extremely alone. No one really knew what I was going through and I wondered if anyone even cared.
One man who made a massive impact in my life was Ron “Bouv” Bouvier. Bouv knew what was going on in my life not only by virtue of his position at the school, but because he had asked me. On several occasions, he would hug me as I walked into his classroom and let me know that he loved me and that he was praying for me. He wanted me to know he was there for me. Several days into our little mis-adventure, my middle school basketball coach, Ron “Bouv” Bouvier asked if I would like to come stay with him and his wife Amy for a while. I heard him, with my own ears, assure my mother that he would keep me safe. I don’t remember a thing Bouv said to me that week, but it was a memorable week. I remember going into the school with him during several snow days and running dribbling drills up and down the hallway as he graded papers. I remember sitting in his living room with Mrs. Bouvier, watching television, and eating cookies we had purchased at Aldi. I remember him taking me to my YMCA league game and cheering me on from the stands. Bouv went beyond knowing about the mess of my life. He joined me in it and invited me into his.
Bouv went beyond knowing about the mess of my life. He joined me in it and invited me into his.
The first step to engaging in intergenerational ministry is presence. Relationships are developed by being available to and with one another. Even the mere possibility of creating intergenerational connections is predicated upon the reality of presence. The context of these relationships is our local churches. The reason we can even consider fostering these relationships is because the various generations are in present with one another through the local church itself. They might not be in the same room as of yet, but at least they are in the building. The task of intergenerational ministry is to create contexts in which various generations can be present together, sharing the same space at the same time. Life is shared when we are in close proximity with one another. Life is shared through walking, talking, playing, working, laughing, crying, celebrating, and hurting together. Life is shared when we move beyond feeling sorry or happy for someone and we join them in bearing those realities.
The greatest benefit of intergenerational ministry is located in the simplicity of presence. Granted, the longer we are present with one another, the more complex things can become. As we all know, life is extremely messy and the more time we spend with one another the harder it is to hide it. But, is that not the beauty of deep relationships? As we are present with one another we gain greater levels of familiarity and we begin to let our guard down and allow others to share our life. As we share life with one another and grow in our love and appreciation for one another the value of our relationships can spread beyond the rooms of our churches into the mess of our world. It all starts with being present.
Here are three suggestions to help you make the most of intergenerational opportunities in your context.
- Encourage participants to be present in the room. This is rather self-evident but is none-the-less important. One of the biggest reasons people don’t engage in various opportunities within the local church is the lack of invitation. The Field of Dreams mode of ministry never works. Just because you build it does not mean they will come. You actually need to invite them. When you determine what you want to do to create intergenerational connections, make sure to go above and beyond to invite the intended participants to be present in the room when the event takes place.
- Encourage participants to be present in the room. THIS IS NOT A MISPRINT! It is quite possible to be physically present in a room and still be absent from what is taking place. There is a certain awkwardness inherent in crossing generational boundaries. Various generations aren’t used to sharing space with each other. Just as we must be intentional to invite them to be physically present, we must intentionally encourage them to be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually engaged and available when present.
- Encourage participants to be present in the room. STILL NOT A MISPRINT! As participants come together, it is essential that the person being presented is consistent with the person who is present. What I mean is this, encourage participants to be themselves. Senior adults need not act like teenagers. Teenagers need not act like senior adults. The same is true all across the spectrum. In order for intergenerational relationships to form, we must learn to appreciate one another for who they are and not expect each other to be something they are not.
Don’t make things more difficult than they need to be. Remember the words of the song quoted above, “Words aren’t remembered. Presence is.” Instead of seeking to do it all at once, let’s simply seek to find the value in being present, together.
